Dating a guy who's never had a girlfriend - relationship advice
Oct 16, One reason why is that I have a friend who didn't find her true love until the If you really like him, take a formidable amount of time to figure out where he is really coming from. Is it unusual to never have fallen in love or had a serious relationship by the Maureen Sharkey, I've dated, loved and lost, and broken hearts. honest with you and tells you he's never had a girlfriend and he's in relationships with men who have not had one serious relationship. I'm a 23 year old woman and have never been in a serious relationship. I've tried different ways of meeting people such as, parties, social and sports clubs, etc.
They can be fun, they can be enjoyable, and they can actually make your life better. Pick the ones that do, and be wary of your and other people's motivations for being drawn to or staying with the ones that aren't. I think you know you don't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic -- you don't want to be a caretaker of an alcoholic -- but it hurts because you like him and have been together a while.
That's the only extent to which the length of his previous relationships is important. It doesn't work that way. Stopping an alcoholic is like trying to stop a train on foot, you just can't. You can beg and scream and huff and puff but they can just ignore you or write you out of their life.
It just don't work that way, sadly. Yeah, you are WAY burying the lede, here. Your boyfriend has a drinking problem.
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There is nothing you can do to make this not true. There is nothing you can do to make him get help, or quit drinking, or make him behave in ways that aren't triggering for you. If he's not working towards changing this part of himself on his own terms, you probably should end it just because the "has a storied past with alcoholics" and "is currently an alcoholic" doesn't really mesh well as a relationship dynamic.
The drinking is a separate issue.
So, I think you really, really need to grow up about the relationship history thing. Different people go through things in different stages of life. In her eyes, you're a huge slut who clearly has emotional issues, and in your eyes, she clearly has emotional attachment issues.
Do you get what I'm saying here? Stop judging males or females based on their relationship history or lack thereof. In the same vein, some people want to talk about their past and some don't likely for fear of someone as immature as you judging them about their past. My husband has never been interested in knowing my history and I've had no desire to tell him. We both trust each other and know that if there was some huge thing from our pasts, we would've talked about it by now.
It's just how it is for us. Different people are comfortable with different things. So yeah, my point is that you really, really need to grow up about that and stop judging people because it will get you nowhere fast. That is all, however, besides the point. Your boyfriend has an alcohol problem and that is obviously the underlying issue, NOT his relationship history. Stop making excuses, and see it for what it is. If you're uncomfortable with his alcohol consumption, don't make it about something else entirely.
Why are you still with this guy? You can't single handedly fix him. I don't believe it should be considered a red flag as some have suggested. However, the excessive drinking is a problem. You should demand he seek help and improve his behavior and terminate the relationship if he does not comply within a reasonable time.
He does not have a "slight" alcohol abuse problem. Makes it seem like you could maybe stand to stop dating him or anyone for a good while and fill that time with some Al-Anon meetings. I have always had a very low tolerance for substance users, never mind substance abusers, but I always found myself to be in the minority in my strict policy of "no drugs, no alcohol. But is he ready? Many of these men have trouble maintaining long term relationships. Many of them are prone to binge drinking.
This is pretty common. He is not necessarily incapable of long term relationships. And while he may have some risk factors for alcoholism, I'd raise an eyebrow at people ready to tell you he was an alcoholic from what you have said, as this would indicate positively catastrophic alcoholism rates for single guys under 30 who hang out in bars. What all of this quite likely could indicate is that the guy has some growing up to do. Only you or maybe someone trusted there on the ground with you can really tell if that growing up has an appreciable chance of happening before he torpedoes the relationship.
And only you know whether your background with people who have drinking issues makes it worth it to try. I will say this: I did the required maturing, learned to drink like a grown up, and became, I am assured, a reasonably good guy. It's great you are finding the answers useful, but as a general rule AskMetafilter threads are not places for ongoing back-and-forth discussion.
You can take the answers which are useful, and reply only if there's some concrete fact that needs clarification. There's a big difference between that kind of behavior and someone who just hangs out in bars a lot.
Similarly with the early-morning drinking. I get that you want to help him, but it doesn't sound like he wants it or is ready for it. And it is not in your power to change that, you can be available if he decides to change but thats it. I don't know that I'd call it alcoholism specifically, because I don't know the guy and am not a doctor, but yeah, that's not the extended adolescence twenty-something shenanigans I was assuming when I read the OP's original question.
We have a good time together and have a lot of common interests, and we're compatible on a lot of levels, with the obvious incompatibilities that I've discussed here.
Never Been In a Serious Relationship - Dating & Social Anxiety Disorder
Like many people who may be abusing a substance, he's a great guy unless he's under the influence he isn't violent while drunk, but having him throw up in my bathroom at 4am and then requesting I go down to the sketch convenience store to get him Sprite to drink is just I would prefer that he learn to control himself. I would prefer that he recognize the problem and the lack of an appropriate level of maturity. I like and care about him a great deal.
I would prefer that he recognize the problem and the lack of an appropriate level of maturity There is nothing you can do about these things. You kind of have to take him as he is, or not.
Tough decision, either way, I know. His emotionally reserved side could be a sign of how relationships are a big deal for him. Then I get to the part where he drinks a lot. And then I get to the part where he used to break dates the day of, at And you made it sound like the things about his past that worried you were before he met you, but actually this is something you've experienced firsthand, and I can't even tell if this was something he did months ago or yesterday.
And then actually it sounds like it was yesterday and you're expecting it to be tomorrow as well. So it's not really his past that's the issue here, is it?
You're dating a substance abuser. My guess would be that the previous GFs didn't stick around more than three months because three months was all they could take of him breaking dates and throwing up at 4am and expecting them to go get him Sprite. A relationship where that stuff was happening wouldn't be a tenable relationship.
Saying you wish he would change and trying to get him to change, is maybe not impossible, but is a huge undertaking, like trying to build a cathedral with your bare hands entirely out of reclaimed materials.
You wouldn't expect the job to be finished in your lifetime. And actually if this were a cathedral I'd say go for it. I'm sure you know where I'm heading with this. The reason that other women haven't stuck around more than three months may be because he has a substance addiction that he expects them to accommodate, and has no honest intention of overcoming. No, clearly I missed that one. Now that I see it, I retract my "Sometimes immature dudes are like that" thoughts.
DUI is a pretty serious disqualifier form any claim that a drinking problem isn't serious. I'd say "break up with me already -- please! At least show me THAT much respect. You're writing posts that say you don't feel close to him, you resent him for this and that thing. Then you're like "oh, yeah, I like him because we have a lot in common and we're compatible on many levels? And for good reason, it sounds like.
But don't think you'll be doing him any favors by trying to make this work or giving him a second chance. You'll just be wasting his time. You mention several times how hurtful it is for you for him to choose alcohol over you, you describe with detail the jerk things he's done while drinking, you even have family history with alcoholics - yet you are not sure you want to leave, and you are looking for other things to complain about, like his relationship history, which, as everyone already has mentioned, really doesn't mean much.
This is how it works. If you really want to be with him, you're probably going to have to go through some shit with him. The good times will make up for the bad times for a while, and maybe you'll both learn some stuff and grow up a bit together.
Or you could just leave. Just becaue you love him doesn't mean you have to stay there and feel like a victim.
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You can just break up with him and stop thinking about what's going to happen next. Regardless, you can't control his drinking or his behavior, and you can't fix him.
They either believe that they should be able to fend for themselves throughout life or that they could become exploited by a man. There are many other possible factors such as child abuse, rape, trauma, etc. Psychotherapy with someone who is skillful in helping people with these types of relationship problems.
In fact, this should probably include group therapy rather than individual therapy alone. While you are in therapy, getting involved with someone so that you can explore what issues are coming up with your therapist. Those men you had no feelings for: I would suggest you date someone not high on your list but give it lots more time. What about someone your respect?
Someone who could be a good father, loyal husband, can make a good living, shares your values and beliefs about life? Let people get to see that warm side of you. It is not true that all men want is sex. Reject those guys who just want sex, but, stick with those who want that but a lot more.
Soon after that, I went on holiday with a couple of girlfriends and I had a week-long fling with an Ozzie barman, which was fun and made me feel normal. Finally, I was the one who had something to talk about, the one who was giggly and giddy with excitement and self-importance. That was my last time. I am gregarious, have loads of interests, work out, have good dress sense — or so I am told — and am no more or less attractive than my friends, most of whom are happily married, or at least know what it feels like to be in love.
It was hard watching them settle down, and even harder when their children started dating. I had wiped their bums, and one by one, from about age 14 onwards, they started to overtake me. That was bad, but not quite as bad as when it dawned on them that there was something very, very unusual about me.
Kids are so prepped for relationships these days — even year-olds talk about having girl- or boyfriends. So when they realised they had never seen me with a man, out popped the inevitable, nausea-inducing questions: I never felt I was being stand-offish, but maybe there was something in my body language that made me less approachable. I remember when my two best friends and I started going to pubs. We would have been about 17 and our interest in boys was just awakening. Those were the days when lads would come up to your table and ask to buy you a drink and generally things would start off well enough, with everyone chatting, but then, as the evening progressed, I would slowly be rubbed out until I felt I had become totally invisible.
Psychologists say single people are more fulfilled. I'm getting to understand why Sara Benincasa Read more When I went to university, I fully expected my life as an adult to begin. Just recently, my best friend — someone I have known since junior school — said to me that she wishes she had given me a good shake when we were at university. She was studying in the next city and would visit me for hall parties and other socials, and now says she could see what I was doing wrong.